


Take It Out On Me

by ohlesterno



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, Fluff, M/M, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 10:02:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4344176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohlesterno/pseuds/ohlesterno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan’s obsession with the guy with the hair and the wondrous mind was nothing but an escape. An escape from the darkness in his mind and the mess that he called his life. A web of questions he couldn’t answer, plans he didn’t know how to make.  It didn’t occur to him then that maybe he didn’t necessarily want to be like Phil but that he wanted to be with him. The reason Phil started to notice and acknowledge Dan’s existence was mainly a selfish one. He was curious, curious to find out what the boy with the darkest brown eyes and the plump chapped lips could want from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take It Out On Me

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously, I’m aware that many, many stories have already been written about 2009 Phan and there is definitely no need for yet another one. But as a writer I just had to do it once, I couldn’t let myself be in the Phandom without writing at least one 2009 themed one-shot. So here it is, a story in which Dan thinks back to where it all began as he is returning home from another of his trips abroad.

Phil hadn’t been looking to rescue someone - he just wanted to have a little uncomplicated fun. Dan didn’t expect any help, he just desperately needed a distraction. Neither of them were hoping to fall in love, all they asked for was something exciting and maybe even something slightly dangerous.

Dan’s obsession with the guy with the hair and the wondrous mind was nothing but an escape. An escape from the darkness in his mind and the mess that he called his life. A web of questions he couldn’t answer, plans he didn’t know how to make. It didn’t occur to him then that maybe he didn’t necessarily want to be like Phil but that he wanted to be with him. The reason Phil started to notice and acknowledge Dan’s existence was mainly a selfish one. He was curious, curious to find out what the boy with the darkest brown eyes and the plump chapped lips could want from him.

Nothing but some meaningless Twitter conversations about similar interests in the first place: movies, Muse that kind of thing. But it grabbed Phil’s attention somehow, which was something that he soon rewarded with a follow back. He then only had to wait a couple of hours before the first direct message appeared in his inbox. A surprised and slightly overwhelmed thank you from the boy who lived on the other side of the country - many months later Phil had admitted to Dan that it made him smile.

The message could have been sent sooner, if Dan hadn’t spent an hour typing and deleting words, thinking and reconsidering every single letter. He had been over the moon and terrified when he got the notification. AmazingPhil is now following you.

He had watched a lot of different videos on YouTube at first, but he soon narrowed it down to mainly Phil. It became the perfect distraction, someone who he could always count on to be there when he needed it. And most importantly, someone who didn’t judge him for locking himself in his room for hours. Someone who didn’t ask him about his future plans or even about tomorrow. Instead he could just lose himself in the magical world of Phil Lester.

It was great, just what he needed. But to be fair, he had tried hard, too hard, to get noticed by the guy. Thinking that maybe an actual conversation would be great too. Because maybe this guy still wouldn’t judge him or ask him questions he didn’t want to answer even if he was given the chance. He didn’t even have to ask questions at all. Dan would just happily sit and listen to Phil ramble and wonder about Buffy, Matt Bellamy, the earth and the galaxy and everything in between.

But this interaction thing was a whole new level of something he wasn’t even remotely prepared for. Phil had made the first move by following him so it was up to him now. The only question was, what the hell was he supposed to actually say?

Yo dude, thanks for the follow back!

Nah, that was ridiculous. He never talked like that in his entire life.

Hey man, thanks for following me, I think your videos are great!

Still stupid. Possibly even worse. He slammed the backspace key and ignored a warning look from his mother who sat opposite him at the dining table and thought he was doing his homework. Although, she probably didn’t actually.

Thanks for the follow back ^_^ what r u up to?

He regretted hitting send the second he did, but it was too late. Except that it wasn’t, really. Because Phil replied within minutes. His reply was about him being in the middle of a Jurrasic Park-marathon as he tried to decide what his new video was going to be about. Immediately followed by another message to let him know that those two things probably weren’t going to be related. Unless Dan knew of a triceratops he could borrow for a collab. Now, some people might have worried that sending three message in a row was a bit eager, but not Phil. There were no ‘wait a certain about of time before you text back’-rules or ‘trying to sound cool’-texts in the world of Phil Lester. Dan loved it, it made him worry about himself a lot less, and that was something he hadn’t been able to say for ages, maybe ever.

That first message lead to marathon-DM-ing that then lead to exchanging phone-numbers which turned into Skype session until dawn and phone calls at the most inconvenient times. And eventually into Dan falling in love. Head-over-heels, desperate, overwhelming love.

Yet by the time he first made the trip up north to visit Phil, nothing was explained or defined. He hadn’t even allowed himself to think about why it had been so much easier for him to agree to come over after Phil told him his parents weren’t going to be home. He blamed it on his social awkwardness but knew that it was also about something else. Something they generally avoided to talk about. But Dan knew what his Skype sessions with his mates were like and they had nothing in common with the late-night ‘til early-morning video calls he had with Phil. Yet since the moment he bought his train tickets he blocked every thought that could even remotely be defined as an explanation.

Maybe because he didn’t want to get his hopes up in case Phil wouldn’t be half as cool in real life but definitely because he was freaking terrified. He hadn’t even really told his parents that much. They knew that Phil existed, because there had been questions about his Skype sessions and phone calls - but Dan had never admitted to anyone what it actually meant to him. What having Phil in his life meant to him, because if he did it would be real. But he just didn’t know if it could be and most importantly, if it would continue to be.

He was so nervous on the train that he considered getting off at every single stop. And there were a lot, because the journey took ages. Which also gave a lot of time to think, to worry and wonder. And that was everything he didn’t want to do. But he was too restless to focus on reading and he couldn’t even listen to Muse because it just reminded him of Phil, and of all the conversations they had analysing lyrics. Or actually - that had mostly been Dan to which Phil would add his opinions on the music.

So time passed in which Dan didn’t read and didn’t listen to any music but just sat and stared out of the window, not thinking about Phil while actually all he did was think about Phil. Would his voice sound different in real life? What would he smell like? What if he changed his mind all-together and didn’t show up.

But he did, and Dan learned that Phil was even taller in real life. And a lot more beautiful as well. His facial features were softer and his hair a completely different shade of black. And he had this rare kind of confidence that told you he was completely okay with not fitting in. He smelled of an expensive musky cologne and his hugs were really tight and warm. And long, although they probably would have been shorter if either of them would have made the first move to let go. But Dan just kept clinging onto him, grabbing more and more fabric of the back of Phil’s shirt in his fists as he squeezed his nose against Phil’s chest. It hurt a little, but it didn’t live up to the happiness he felt because Jesus Christ, he had been waiting for this moment.

“Are you ready to see Manchester?” was the first actual thing Phil said to Dan in real life.

And for the rest of the day that was exactly what they did. Phil had made plans for every minute of the day, dragging Dan in and out of shops, cafes and to the ferries wheel. They walked closely together all that time. The backs of their hands brushing against each other constantly, knuckles bumping against knuckles and a lot of sneaky side-eyed glances that often resulted in grins as they caught each other looking. Because man it was surreal that they were finally together.

They ended the day in a bar at the top floor of the Manchester Hilton hotel with expensive food and drinks that Dan couldn’t afford even if he had ever mastered the skill of saving money. But Phil insisted on paying and Dan thought there was something strangely attractive about that. But he was also just extremely tired. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had walked that far in a day and he repeatedly told Phil, who offered to give him a piggyback ride home.

They settled for holding hands, which could have been awkward but it just wasn’t. It was actually kind of romantic - the way they stumbled home, sleep drunk, high on young love and expensive food - not giving a single damn about the city that moved on around them. Or the drunk frat boys that shouted something at them that was probably offensive.

It was alright, for the first time in a very long time everything was okay.

Dan got fucked by a guy for the first time that night. And it was scary, exciting and maybe even a little filthy. It was perfect.

But it didn’t beat waking up the morning after. Because that was what made it all real. Sticky thighs pressed together as they shared sleep-sour kisses underneath cum stained sheets, Dan decided that was the happiest he had ever been. And it was the start of a series of happiest he had ever been that would go on for years and years to come.

But to see that everything had to get a lot worse at first. Dan came closer than ever to just giving up all together in the following months. Because it had been unbearable having to leave Phil. When he went to Manchester he tried his hardest to not to keep his hopes up and he quickly learned it had been a good thing, because he would have had to destroy them and build them up all over again - on a level didn’t even know existed. Phil was even more of everything Dan could imagine in real life. And having experienced that - the Skype calls and conversations over text whenever either of them didn’t have access to a computer stopped being satisfying. Dan craved the physical connection and also to be able to actually see Phil’s eyes sparkle when he said something that astonished Dan in either a good or a bad way. He wanted to observe Phil when he didn’t know Dan was watching, if there was a non-creepy way to do so. And if there wasn’t, well then Phil just had to accept that it was going to be creepy. Because Phil was beautiful when uncontrollably lost in his own mind and Dan - well he was just lost.

And maybe he did need help. Maybe he had been looking for someone who would just listen to him for once.

And maybe Phil truly hadn’t been looking to rescue someone. But maybe he just never realised what he was capable of. Because for the rest of his life Dan would remind Phil of the fact that he owed it to him. All of it.

And that’s why, even though six years had passed, he was always going to be happiest when he was going home. Home to Phil. Able to feel his heavy, sleepy presence beside him when he woke up - the silent snores that sometimes escaped from the back of his throat barely audible over the sound of the airconditioner that was forever humming in the corner of the room because Phil was always just so warm.

“Excuse me?”

A cold hand landed on Dan’s shoulder gently and he looked up a little bewildered to find a flight-attendant looking down at him. She smiled as Dan quickly locked his phone. He was sure though that she had seen him staring at the bad quality selfie from 2009 that he always kept on there. It was quite an intimate one, taken on the first morning they woke up together in Phil’s house. The same day philisnotonfire was born. One of many photos he knew the internet would go crazy over it it ever leaked, God forbid.

“I asked you to fasten your seatbelt, we’re are approaching Heathrow.”

Dan put his phone in the seat pocket in front of him and clumsily fastened his seatbelt as he mumbled a couple of excuses.

Just another hour, two tops and he would be home again. A lot had changed since 2009, most importantly their hair. They had done many things he could never have dreamt of and the best was yet to come. A freaking book, their own tour. 

He himself had also changed a lot over time, mostly for the better. He had gotten rid of many of his demons even though some were still there lurking, waiting for a moment of weakness. Insecurity and self-doubt were hard to get rid of.

But it was better with Phil. He relied on him completely, still. Too much in the eyes of many, but neither of them ever needed to ask any questions. They balanced each other out. Phil was his happy place, his safety blanket. The one to happily sit through and entire broadcast of a Kanye West show with him because he knew it was important to him, but also the one to hide in the office all day as Dan was watching Formula 1. Phil was everything that had been missing in the first 18 years of his existence. But most of all - he was the love of his life.


End file.
